We all have that weakness, shortcoming or insecurity that we struggle with everyday. That feeling that awakens when everyone is gone and it’s just us and the four walls. It could be an ugly addiction, a weight issue, low self esteem, whatever it might be. We all have them or at least most of us do. Those personal struggles that seem inferior in the eyes of others but to us they are gigantic mountains that keep holding us back.
Those were the thoughts running through my mind as I sat on my bed with my diary. I was getting ready to write prayer requests for the coming New Year as is the custom in my family. Every New Year’s Eve we each write a list of what we’d like God to do for us in the coming year and commit them to Him before the clock strikes midnight. It’s a practice I thoroughly enjoy because unlike New Year resolutions, I actually get results. On this particular one, I was reflecting on the year that was 2015 and the ones before that. The ups and the downs, the happy and sad moments, but mostly the inner struggles I’d had over the years.
Most people describe me as bold, full of life, which I am for the most part but no one till recently knew the inner struggle I’ve had over time. I could spend all day listing them but I’ll spare you the agony and summarize them in one word. Self doubt. Simple definition is ‘a lack of confidence in one’s abilities.’ I have doubted everything and anything about myself. Many are the times I would decide to embark on something, this blog included, but the first thought that would come to my mind is, “I won’t be able to pull this off”, “ it’s not good enough and “I’m not good enough” .
I remember when I joined campus and was so eager to start writing, which I did, but every time I’d write one I’d either delete or stash it in a hidden folder because they never seemed good enough to me. So I kept that buried as the rest of my counterparts wrote more articles and even started blogs. This also trickled to my spiritual life as a worshipper. I was a prayer coordinator but I battled with the same feelings through my tenure. When it came to singing I always felt my voice wasn’t that good and I’d dread the Sundays I’d be leading because all I would think about was how I’d get up there, mess up all the keys and spoil the worship session. It’s a prison that makes you recoil into a shell of defeat. You disqualify yourself before you even start the race.
But on that day on New Year’s Eve, with tears trickling down my face I asked God to help me write one meaningful request for the year. I was so fed up with being stuck in the same cycle over and over. I can’t tell you it was a whisper or a thunderous voice but in the deepest part of my heart I heard one word, NEWNESS. Rev 21:5 Behold I am making everything NEW. It was a promise that He was turning my life around and starting a new chapter in my life; and four months down the line, boy has He done a lot!
I finally started writing And publishing my articles. I have published a few in my Campus publication. I began a business that I’ll talk about later on and of course this very amazing blog which I’m terrified and excited at the same time. And I also shaved my hairJ. A very bold step for any lady (though I screamed through the entire process) but all in all I’m finally coming out. Out of the shell of doubt I’ve hidden in and allowed to control my life.
I may still have some traces of it but the most important thing is that I’ve began the journey, and I’m loving it. So I hope to inspire you, dear one. Whatever insecurity you might be having, whatever shell you may be hiding in, take that step of faith and come out. You never know. You might just discover a treasure that you never knew existed.
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