Have you ever been so heartbroken you felt pain move from your heart to your knees and up to your heart again, over and over?
It was some time back. I’d just woken up for my morning date with Jesus, which is basically my alone time where I shut out everyone and focus on Him alone.
I woke up excited, ready to head to the living room and bask in His presence when I received some news that crippled my entire body. I won’t go to the details for privacy’s sake but it was something that made me feel like a dagger had been driven into my chest and then twisted round.
I remember sitting on my bed perturbed, weak, my mind swirling trying to make sense of everything. I was so weak I couldn’t go to the washroom (and I was pressed, ile ya kuamka).
That morning I could hardly pray. My mind just kept going back and forth and after two hours, I gave up and told Jesus I’m going back to sleep so I can at least forget for a while. I went back to bed and fell asleep. After around 3 hours I woke up again, and the minute my eyes opened, the pain came rushing back and my heart sank deeper than it had when I first woke up. I was literally feeling sick.
I said out loud, “Jesus I wish I could at least cry” The news had numbed me I couldn’t even shed a tear, which is an eighth wonder of the world because I’m normally an onion.
As soon as the words left my mouth, a gush of tears followed. It’s like the walls of a dam had caved in. I cried. No, actually I didn’t cry, I wailed, like a baby. Thank God I was alone. As I was wailing, I remembered something God has been teaching me on trials and hard situations being an opportune moment for me to meet and see Him, kinda like the way Meshach, Shadrack and Abednego met Jesus in the fire.
So in between my wailing, I muttered,
“Jesus I can’t do this. I’m heartbroken, I don’t understand, I feel sick and I need to meet you. Meet me here, find me and lift me” (that sounds really coherent but at that time, It wasn’t. I’m so grateful that Jesus doesn’t bother with correct grammar and proper speech)
I must have gone on crying for a while when I heard Him say,
“When a Farmer wants to plant new seeds, He takes a hoe and breaks the perfect even ground, and on that broken soft ground He is able to plant seeds that bring about a bountiful harvest.”
A light bulb went off and I said, “Wait, my heart is broken, so what you are saying is that on this broken heart of mine, you have an amazing ground to plant your seed”
Then I began saying, “Jesus, here’s my broken heart. You love broken hearts. I don’t need to understand why, when or how. I surrender my messed up, frail, broken heart. Plant your seed. Plant in me a seed of love, forgiveness, peace, patience, all the seeds you want to plant… and I went on and on praying.
And as I did so I could feel the heartache lift off and an amazing peace and tranquility rest upon me. All of a sudden I felt peaceful, loved, affirmed, strengthened and refreshed. I even woke up, drew the curtains, and began my day. If you found me that day humming around the house, you’d never know what a terrible morning I’d had a few hours prior.
Many times I think I need to be okay in order to relate with Jesus, in order to give my worship so I treat trials, the rocky things of life as horrible things, forgetting that in that mess, Jesus’ intention is to bring something good out of it.
Just look at Meshack, Shadrack and Abednego, the fire was meant to kill them and I’m sure they were terrified of it with a zillion questions, is the very fire in which Jesus appeared. They saw the king face to face and became so cozy that they weren’t even in a hurry to leave.
Jesus is always right there in the dirt with you. There’s a time He told me, “when you are wading through the mud, I’m right there wading in it with you”
“He’s close to the broken hearted and to those who are crushed in Spirit.”Isaiah 34:18 and He records our afflictions and collects our tears in a jar Psalms 56:8”
In that darkness, Jesus is with you and it’s His intention that the two of you walk together but too many times we try to figure it and fix ourselves.
Turn to Him, talk to Him as honestly as you can, like you would to your best friend. Tell Him what’s in your heart, surrender to Him, don’t turn your back and look for help elsewhere.
He’s a very present help in times of trouble, Psalms 46:1. I love the fact that He says VERY, to emphasize to you that He’s super present in that moment.
Your brokenness attracts Him. It’s your mess, your filth, your sin that made Him leave heaven with all its glory and come to die on a cross. You don’t need to fix yourself, carry burdens, pain, bitterness and unforgiveness.
Heap all of that on Him. Even when the mess is your fault, He doesn’t point a finger at you but rather He stretches His arms wide open for you to run in so He can embrace you. And isn’t that how He died on the cross? With arms wide open?
Take it to Him. Your broken heart is the kind of ground He likes….