Sharing one of my private entries. It’s always my hope that as I show you my attempts at being honest with God, it will open you up to be honest with Him too and with yourself as well,
As I sit on this cold stone floor, I feel a surging rush of fear rising in the depths of my heart.
I am staring.
Staring at these layers of walls that I’ve built up all around me.
When did they become this many?
Matter of fact, when did I build them?
When did the things I do, opinions of others about me, past relationships, guilt, efforts to please God and please men become a template that defines me?
How did I fail to hear all the noise going on within?
But Wait, these walls, that’s not the only thing I see.
Right in front of them stands my Abba. This Father who’s loved me so rentlessly despite all my faults.
His eyes are warmer than the sun and His smile is kinder than that of a well-fed child. As my lips split into a loving smile, He draws my attention to his right hand. He’s holding a gigantic axe!
In that moment I understand, without words, what He’s here for.
Time to tear down these walls.
Time to peel back these layers and find the wonder choking underneath.
I feel safe but at the same time I’m scared.
Scared of being vulnerable.
Scared of letting go of habits that have made their home in me.
A good post, a good poem, drawings, talents and abilities, financial security, friends and family.
They’re are all great things but I also know He wants more for me.
More than a girl who holds on to things for her joy. A girl who thrives in her gifts but is confident in who she is NOT what she does!
So despite the fear, I’m willing,
Willing to take this journey of a thousand, maybe a billion steps towards being whole.
Towards being healthy emotionally and free. Free from defining myself by what I do or don’t do, by what people say or don’t say, by whether you like me or not.
Because frankly, I’m tired.
Tired of hiding.
Tired of building.
I dont want to hide anymore Baba.